I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
