saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
