The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
