Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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