I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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