Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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