i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize