ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
