every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
