The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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