I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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