dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
