so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
