I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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