so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I want to be your penis for a week.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
