new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
