wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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