You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
