she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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