just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
