I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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