Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
