But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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