fuck your aforementioned shoe
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
