Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
