Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
