Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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