I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I can't put those talents on a resume
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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