My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
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