why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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