The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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