Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
