Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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