Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
