I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
