my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
