New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
