Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
