She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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