Your face is a jimmy john
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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