my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
last night I used snow as a chaser
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