I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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