i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
