evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
