Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
