Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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