she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So here I am, sexting at work.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
