well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
