im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
