I faked an abortion last night.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
