HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
