two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
