Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
