im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
