I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
