Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
