Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
