You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
