I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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